Monday, September 22, 2014

"I call her 'Crazy'"

As we all know, gossip and name calling doesn't end when you reach adulthood. Well that goes double for "seniorhood". A lot of these residents have forgotten what year it is, how old their kids are, and who their first relationship was with, but dog gonnit if they don't remember one fight they had with another resident months ago, and tell me about it as if it just happened every single day.

In particular, there is one woman who loves to whisper to me about everyone in the room. And any woman who has short hair, well she calls her a man. She refers to them as "he" every time she talks about them. "He hates me." "He wants to kill me." "Don't set him near me." You have to forgive her though, she has dementia and relives her mother dying of breast cancer a few times a week and she weeps in my arms. She just doesn't know any better.

Plenty is said about her too, though. "Kentucky" is one of the "he's" that she refers to. And Kentucky has a mouthful to say about her too. Kentucky sits in her recliner and quietly lets me know what she thinks of everyone in the room. She tells me that the woman who calls her a "he" is not her friend and she doesn't like her. She refers to the intern has her "little man". She winks at him and waves and informs me that she LOVES little men (well that makes one of us I guess, Kentucky). She tells me which of the male nurses she has crushes on, and when I call her out on winking at more than one of them, she shushes me and tells me I "wasn't supposed to tell them that!" But more than anything, she likes to point out the woman who I mentioned loves to wear red lipstick, flirt with men, and look at herself in the mirror, and Kentucky will say to me "I call her 'Crazy'". And I can see why she thinks that. This woman goes from laughing to angry outbursts in which she is inconsolable within minutes. Obviously, I know the real reasons why. But Kentucky doesn't, so she calls her "Crazy".

I'm going to call her "Patsy". I am going to call her this because of Patsy Cline's song, "Crazy", and because she was so glamorous, like this woman. Well today, Patsy had an outburst to end all outbursts. Early in the afternoon, I had some fun music playing, and she closed her eyes and stood in place, and just danced until her heart's content. She laughed, and sang, and danced, and went around muttering to all of the residents. Then she decided to go to the beauty shop, and that is where things took a turn for the worst. I have heard stories about her outbursts in the beauty shop.

She frequently asks people to wash her hair, or fix it for her, but when they try, she gets really mad. Well my office is next to the beauty shop, but I spend most of my time on the floor with the residents. She had been gone about two hours when I went to my office, and heard the screaming coming from the other room. I go in there, and she is giving the beautician holy hell! The beautician has been coming in for years, so she knows her, and is not upset by it. However, Patsy keeps grabbing at the curlers in her hair and getting everything so badly tangled that the beautician can't get the curlers out.

Patsy keeps getting up and trying to leave, grabbing at the curlers in her hair, and screaming and yelling at everyone. Since the beautician is not an octopus, she doesn't have enough hands to control this situation. So somehow, I was able to somewhat calm her down. I held her hands so she quit grabbing at her hair, I told her repeatedly how pretty she looked and that she was almost done, and I told her stories to try to distract her. Her wrath definitely turned on me. She cussed me out and called me a liar. She angrily walked around the room and gave me the dirtiest looks you have ever seen. But with the two of us working together, me to distract her, and the beautician to get the curlers out of her hair, we got the job done.

Afterwards, the beautician told me that "everyone who works there should be as kind and patient as me." That I am "incredibly patient and very good at this." And that she "wouldn't have been able to do it without me." She gave me hugs and candy for helping her.

Truth time. Pretty much my whole life I have been told that I am one of the most IMPATIENT people there are. And I absolutely do not disagree. I am quick-tempered and have a very short fuse for what I consider bad behavior. I also, cannot stand the anticipation of surprises, or not knowing what is going on. I opened my Christmas presents early and re-wrapped them. I flip people off when I am driving more times than I am willing to admit. I have been scolding people since before I knew how to speak (my dad tells me I wagged my finger at people and said "jojojojo". Yes, yes, I know, now my cat's name is Jojo. Coincidence?) But for some reason, all of the patience I was given, has been reserved for this population. Anyone who knows me knows that I am rarely calm, and I rarely have measured reactions in the moment. I guess I have it all saved up for this. Here's the thing: if you are a capable person who knows better, then I have no patience for you! Get your shit together!!! Hahahaha!! But old people, they get a free pass with me. So you can call me "Crazy", if you want, because I know better. But she doesn't. So she gets to be "Patsy". But I will let Kentucky call her Crazy, cause she doesn't know any better either, and it's funny!


No here is a list of cute things that happened, and/or that were said:

1 - Kentucky won at Bingo today. She picked out a necklace that I donated to the bingo prize cart. When I told her that she said, "well it stays in the family."

2 - The sweetest woman in the whole world lives there. For now I will call her "Sweetie Pie". She got a call from her granddaughter yesterday. When she was on the phone she exclaimed, "You did!!!! I am sooo happy for you!". It sounded as if maybe she got engaged or pregnant or something. So when Sweetie Pie got off the phone, I asked her what had happened. She said her granddaughter had bought a car. I said "why did that excite you so much?". She said, "Because that is usually something men do. She bought her own car. I bought my own car when I was younger. I am just so proud of her."

3 - Sweetie Pie also won at Bingo today. She also got one of the necklaces I donated. When I told her that, she said, "You're not getting it back!!"

4 - Mr. Charming (the one who serenades me), won a Cubs figurine at Bingo today (we have a lot of freaking winners, alright?). Another thing I had added to the donation cart (thank you for the donation Lynne Roberts). When I told him this, he tried to hand it to me and said, "I won it for you."

5 - Conversation I had with Kentucky:
K - You can come over to my house. I paid my rent.
Me - Are you a good cook?
K - TV dinners.
Me - We really are cut from the same cloth.

6 - I am waiting by the elevator, and I make eye contact with Kentucky. I smile and do my shoulder shimmy. She starts wiggling her shoulders too. Then she summons me. I walk over there and she says, "I wiggled my shoulders to get your attention because I wanted to tell you that you and I have a special bond, and you are going to come home with me. Not physically, but always in my mind. I love you, and I love that young boy (the intern). I love little men!"  You guys, I can't make this shit up!

7 - Today, I taught two women what the internet was, and what my Iphone was. I mostly just took that opportunity to show them pictures of my cats. They LOVED it!

Well, this was all in one day's time! Who knows what tomorrow will bring!! xoxo

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